I started writing an entry reflecting my five years, then got interrupted by work, and a couple of months ago the school staff finally caught up on awarding me for my 5 years of commitment. But it wasn't a good feeling, as a fellow co-worker asked me if he could use one of my gifts, a guest hotel voucher good for 5 nights. Ordinarily I would have said yes, but as my mind idled and wandered into darker places, I decided to vent back to him. Here's the letter, with the names replaced to protect their ID's:
"Yesterday ***** asked me if you could use my Guest Hotel Coupon for your friends' visit to Beijing.
I would have said "yes" - but with most decisions I wanted to think about it first.
I thought about it all last night.
It would be a nice gesture to give you my Guest Hotel Coupon so it can help your friends find a place to stay - however, this coupon, as well as the beautiful 5th Year Anniversary crystal, are my only reminders of the work and results I've made for the Company and School.
The coupon is definitely a nice gift, but realistically my wife and I will not use it ourselves, and we don't forsee any of our friends visiting us in the near future to take advantage of this great coupon.
Honestly, I would have preferred a 100 RMB voucher for Merry Mart, a far more useful coupon. Better yet, a Merry Mart voucher that equals the face value of the Guest Hotel Coupon, if it has any face value at all.
Then I thought about it some more.
Just how many of us 5th year employees are actually still working for this company? How many of us have arrived with practically nothing, started out at basically entry level, and have risen up to lead teams of employees, and to perform tasks where we have received no training nor educational background? How many of us have given up so much back in our home countries to bring a greater sense of purpose to the local people here?
Under my five years of employment with the Kindergarten and School, I basically helped create the English program when it first started with just 12 kindergarten students - trying my best to simulate the program in Shanghai. When I realized that Beijing and Shanghai are actually quite different, I gathered the courage to adjust and continued to aim to make these schools great.
Then we grew rapidly, and I took on more responsibilities not only overseeing the expansion of the kindergarten, but the growth of the primary school as well. I'm still shocked whenever I realize that my equals (those who are also Language Learning Center directors) in Shanghai are far more qualified (Ph.D.'s in linguisitics) than I am in this position. I have been through the toughest struggles, like the situations with Teacher ***** and Teacher *****. I've come across the most confusing of ethics - like hiring only "white-faced" teachers at the expense of well-qualified ABC's or other ethnicities.
If I could be truly honest with you, my dear brother *****, this job is no longer a joy.
When I was presented the coupon and the crystal last month, I was delighted at first, but it was very short-lived. I no longer smile like I used to back in the early years of 2005-2007. The smile I have is very rehearsed, because I feel I am now simply a face to show to the parents whenever they have concerns or complaints.
I blame my own shortcomings. It really is no one else's fault, only my own. When I see my teammates frustrated with the way communications are handled in the primary school, I take the responsibility because the person in my position ought to be fluent in both English and Mandarin. However, I am not quite fluent and I am frequently an inconvenience to the Mandarin speakers of my team. Sometimes I place them into very awkward positions of unwarranted authority. This is not a new issue, I have actually brought it up before with you and Principal *****. I have actually brought up the issue that having me oversee two schools (three if you count the middle school, but there's really only one teacher to oversee) is actually quite stressful even just thinking about it. No matter how much help (in which I'm very truly thankful for) I receive in easing the administrative responsibilities - it's still quite heavy as I'm constantly worried about the two schools.
This isn't fair to any of my teachers. Last year, as it began with the situation of Teacher *****, I spent most of my time at the primary school tending to the Oral English teachers' needs. Also, I taught mainly Oral English (grade 3 and grade 7), so it made sense for me to stay in that side. I had confidence that the Kindergarten English teachers could take care of themselves and for the most part they did. However, they took upon a bit more than they can handle and I believe had I spent more time at the kindergarten the situation with ***** could have been prevented.
This year, the reversal may be happening. My full teaching load is now all kindergarten classes - 18 classes per week. I now work at two desks, in which more than half the time is at the kindergarten. I am now relying on experienced teachers like ***** and ***** to continue building up the Oral English program. Whatever time I spend at the primary school is mainly to follow up with new teachers like 'A', 'B', and 'C'. Only yesterday, 8 weeks after the semester has stared, I was finally able to catch up with Tim to hear about how he was doing and if there were any issues that need to be resolved.
I can not put my mind on handling the Oral English department while I'm putting in about 60% of my effort in building up this K2 class of kindergarten seniors. There are almost 60 of them that I'm preparing for the first grade. Having been in this area for over five years, I have actualy witnessed the growth of the English level in this kindergarten students, as well as the rising expectations of the young, highly educated and successful parents. If there is any passion in me left, in other words, motivation for continuing another five years with this school, it is indeed my desire to put in 100% of my effort in developing, revamping, remodeling, remaking the Kindergarten English program.
But this Guest Hotel coupon is supposed to convince me to stay for another 5 years? The coupon now sits in our bookshelf in our living room. It's actually become a somber reminder of who I am and what I've done for the school. It's become a sign, a symbol, a reminder that perhaps my career here at the School and Kindergarten, here in Beijing, is coming to an end. It's more like a "pink slip" (a notice of a lay-off) letting me know that there is still a greater world outside of the School and Kindergarten, the harvest is still plentiful, and that there are opportunities to learn and grow and eventually fulfill the position that I'm in now.
In short, ***** and I are now at a crossroads in our lives. We aren't sure where we're going to next, but however the Guest Hotel coupon might have just shown us that there are other paths.
Thank you for your time that it took to read my letter. In actuality, someone of a higher position than me should be reviewing my performance, asking me about my career objectives, and evaluate if what I'm doing makes any sense. This letter is five years overdue.
Sincerely, Ron"
Wow. How did it ever come to this? On reflecting on my career alone there really is only one conclusion - I have no more to give to help this school grow. Despite how angry my mail sounded, I really am grateful for everything the school has done for me. I just think that my time is up and me leaving would actually do wonders for the departments I'm overseeing. The problem is, administration values my ability to take on numerous responsibilities for the sake of efficient resourcing and tapping into my 5+ years of experience with this school. The bigger problem is, I have only so much experience to benefit my teams and the programs to take it forward to new and exciting directions as the student demographic evolves with better English proficiency. It's time for me to go to greener pastures where I can grow as a teacher and someday, return to administration.
And yes, a part of me was a little bitter about the voucher - I'd think it would be easier to understand considering that the Guest Hotel is part of our community, and located in an area that isn't the touristy part of Beijing. I've even recommended that my visitors stay in the central city rather commuting all the way out in the sticks. Let's just say, the voucher isn't something I could really use and use immediately, thus the preference to having a supermarket gift certificate instead.
Sadly my joy has become somewhat compartmentalized. I just don't look forward to work as an administrator, but I do look forward to teaching those kindergarten students. I enjoy the other activities here in the community, and I love this city so much - I still prefer it over Shanghai. But to realize that I do actually have options means that I'm not obligated to stay here any much longer.
Major decisions are coming soon...
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